Posted on the Boulder News Forum

Imaginary Thanksgiving Day Parade

puma - 09:21am Nov 25, 1998 MST

Peter Boyles is in the reviewing stand at Colfax and Broadway, downtown Denver, for the 7th annual Imaginary Thanksgiving Day Parade. Lots of interesting floats going by including the Ramsey family float. One reporter spied Patsy wearing the same clothes she wore to the White's.

Per the caller, John is pointing at Patsy, saying "No more new clothes, we're spending all my money on lawyers." Peter thought he saw Mike Bynam talking to Hal Haddon in the back of the float. The float is being pulled by Lisa Levitt Ryckman of the RMN, Dan Glick of Newsweek, Michael Tracey of CU and Paula Woodward of Channel 9.

The PastaJay float is coming into view. Peter spies Rick Neuheisel (CU coach) chatting with PastaJay. The float is sponsored by Smith&Wesson.

A Boulder reporter just informed Peter that the JT Colfax float is stuck at the Boulder Post Office. Peter comments that JT has moved several times in the past few days; he was in the Boulder jail but Peter doesn't know where he is now...

Oh my, per a reporter just behind another float somebody is tossing business cards into the crowd--it's Lee Hill--also some guy is taking pictures of boys as he walks along the parade route...

Ahhh, Patsy is working the crowd now, grabbing every microphone she sees...

Also of note:

A lady on horseback, with long gray hair, is wearing just a sash: "Not my picture!" The Newt float will not run this year--it's being towed off...

Federico Pena and his family are stuck in a DIA train car. They won't be in the parade unless they find a way to get out.

Someone is running along the parade route handing out gift certificates that read "Good for one free visit with Dr. K"

Ross Perot called in and said his float is stuck at the Weigh Station in Limon, Co. His float was in, then out, then in again...

Art Bell just got off his float and he's shouting "This is my last parade!!!!!" Oh, he just got back on; everything seems to be back to normal again.

Oh, there's the Boston Chicken Float, in the shape of the Titanic... What a parade...

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bayou - 06:43pm Nov 25, 1998 MST (#4 of 6)
I can envision an Imaginary Thanksgiving Day Parade.

It begins with the Grand Marshall. There It is. Sitting in dilapidated old Caddy with a plush velvet interior. Is it male or female? Who can tell. It is smiling and waving, though, proud to be front and center in the Ramsey Day Parade.

Next comes the People's Princess Float. On it is mounted a huge picture of Diana, Princess of Wales. Behind the Di picture is an enormous blow up of JonBenet, America's People's Princess.

Ah, and now for a bit of whimsy. It is an environmental float. "Save the Beaver" -- Prof. Tracey is graciously playing Bucky, pretending to gnaw on a tree stump.

Next comes the "Gone With the Spin" float. Patsy Paugh Ramsey, in full Scarlett regalia, smiles and waves to the crowds. JR, dressed as Rhett and sporting a fake mustache, looks stalwartly southern.

Now, for the kiddies...none other than the SEVEN DWARFS...those so-called reporters who just report what the Rams tell them. Dancing and whisling as they skip are the lapdog reporters who got invited to the infomercial...with Lisa as a sinister looking Snow White.

Look at that big fire engine, folks, and here its siren wail! And notice who is riding right beside the dalmation...its our old friend, JT Colfax. Unfortunately his prison orange jumpsuit clashes with fire engine red.

Here comes the Family Planning Float. Only JR could pull this one off. Here we have the newly wed Melinda with her bridegroom Stuart, John Andrew, and even the ex-wife Lucinda. Get a load of Nedra in that strapless gown, and Grandpa Pa is yelling through a megaphone to prove he has a voice box!!! And just to prove that they aren't prudes, Patsy and JR even made a space for Kimberley Ballard. See her in that tiny tuxedo...too bad she is overflowing its petite dimensions now.

Time for the Access Graphics float. Golden Arches and Over One Billion Served! See the disgruntled ex-employees tossing one hundred dollar bills to the crowd.

How exciting! The Boulder High School Marching Band. But look at the Majorette ...do my eyes deceive me or is that a Transvestite Miss America twirling that baton?

Time for a little reality. The Weight Watchers Float. Pam Paugh is seen counting her optional points for the week. What an inspiration she is to all the full-figured gals along the parade route.

The next float is winner of the Mayor's Trophy. It is called Hellhole and depicts the Ramsey mansion in over 200 thousand pink roses, 45,000 carnations and 100,000 mums.

Now we have the Grand Marshall's Trophy float. It was proud to pin a ribbon on the Barbie Bondage float. It is especially meaningful to see the lifesize version of the newest Barbie "Erica Kane" doll stripped of her gown and cape and bound with duct tape.

Patsy's Trophy was awarded to the next float. It is called Francophile's Paradise and depicts all kinds of phoney French trappings, including Monica's beret.

HERE COME THE CLOWNS!!!! Isn't that cute? A Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat clown with His Wife Could Eat No Lean, playfully cavorting. Underneath that greasepaint is Patsy's maid, Linda and her hubby, Mervin.

The Pasta Jay float is now rounding the bend. It is festooned with a variety of pasta's shaped into a huge baseball bat. BATTER UP, JAY! HERE, BATTER BATTER BATTER.

JR's Trophy goes to the sentimental favorite...the Old Dick Float. It features Lou Smit on a golden throne, crowned with the MOST OBJECTIVE DETECTIVE OF THE YEAR crown of thorns. This float is being pulled by a team of scantily clad and impossibly buff younger and more virile detectives, led by the adorable Steve Thomas.

The BPD mounted police come next, led by an appropriately stoic Mark Beckner, riding "Clueless"...

And who is cheerfully following the horses with a broom and shovel...why it is our intrepid DA, Alex Hunter, who has finally found a job that is worthy of his talents.

And now comes the best part.

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bayou - 06:44pm Nov 25, 1998 MST (#5 of 6)

And now comes the best part. SANTA AND MRS. SANTA. See Santa playing his harp as Mrs. Santa tosses goodies to the crowd.

Wow...what a parade. And bringing up the rear, the 75 foot high IMAGINARY SICK PUPPY BALLOON....WHAT A THRILL! Ooooops, looks like the wind is giving Sick Puppy a real beating and .... Oh, no....the air is coming out of the Sick Puppy ballooon....what a disaster. And what a hideous sound.

So much for the Thanksgiving Day Parade, folks. See ya next year!!!

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